like in an apt above a crackhead. A LEGIT CRACKHEAD. he woke me up every morning this week asking me if I wanted to buy a mini fridge and some CDs. at 5 am. EVERY DAY.
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
i would bitch about being this hungover, but honestly im just happy to be alive after this weekend
Its 6 am and me and the girl in the next apartment have been taking turns puking and yelling "never agaaaain" thru the walls.
When the shrooms kicked in we both simultaneously realized we were not the right puzzle piece for the dubstep puzzle.
We made eye contact and were like we are not welcome here, the ravers are onto us and we need to get the fuck out before we get shuffled upon
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
Hey he's not bad, although he did have a glass eye
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
I just don't understand what you plan on accomplishing there except for losing all vestiges of post-freshman year dignity
Randomize
