just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
yeah, and then after the convo was clearly over, my dad decides to scream "SIZE MATTERS" just to make things even more uncomfortable.
I just can't bring boyfriends home.
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
its mom's weekend..did we need to couger proof the apt?
and then you yelled "out of the way, i'm a lifeguard!" and everyone let us through
He doesn't make grammatical errors. Even while getting head.
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
i saw the poster for your lost tequila... what a shame
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
the only way to explain how i feel is someone rolled me down a big fucking hill and then a dog came a took a huge ruthless shit in my mouth at the bottom
Cover your phone. Photos of streaking frat guys incoming.
Is it a bad thing that I've made out with everybody I work with?
His cat kept scratching my feet while we were having sex. There's only room for one pussy around here. It also concerns me that he owns a cat.
How many times have we said we'd stop taking Jell-O shots with strangers?
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