Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
There really should be an "avoid ghetto" option on my GPS.
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
I only keep her as my best friend so she wont hook up with my ex.
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
it still weirds me out that Robin Thicke is Alan Thicke's son
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
Elliott peed on my floor and slept in it lol that's a one line description.
I touched a dick in church today
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
Accent: check. Hot body: check. 8" dick: check. Feeds me biscuits in bed after rampant sex: check. Should I continue with my "Why I'm not coming back to the States" List?
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
Randomize
