yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
you should probably quit with the whole "no homo" thing, especially when you are drunk, "mo homo"gives the wrong impression.
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting
She went dumpster diving. Found flourescent light bulbs, carpet samples and $15. We got a bottle of Popov, played star wars and threatened random people with the carpet. Get on our level.
She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
just pleasured myself to USA hockey beating Russia in the shoot out. god bless America.
He called me baby cakes during sex... Can U not
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
i accidentally gave my stepdad ketamine so id say it was a fun weekend.
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
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