I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
So I had to explain to her that pussy doesn't mean a cat
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
Hungover snowboarding. Puked off the lift and traumatized a group lesson for kids. Crash course on adulthood.
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
We were having sex and his high flatmates stood outside his room playing the guitar and singing Somebody to Love by Justin Beiber. Weirdest night ever.
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
i repeatedly had to ask him if he was into this because he kept talking about random things while i jerked him off. i got annoyed and in order to annoy him back, i told him i wanted to watch him do it. he also talked about basketball WHILE cumming. NEVER AGAIN.
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
I got back and Katie was asleep holding a burrito. I woke her up and she ate it and passed back out.
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
you tried to drunkinly do the backflip kick off of karate kid and broke the big screen
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
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