Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
My brain is officially off for summer until late august. If that guy wants to fuck me, he better do it soon.
Don't you ever say "drinking at 2" as if it's a bad thing again. I'm asking you as a friend here.
So I totally just remembered that you tried to smoke a hornet out of it's nest.
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
one of these days i'm gonna do a sparkly magical girl transformation into snoop dogg
We fucked so hard and loud that the everyone at the party downstairs starting chanting his name. Oh I we broke a lamp.
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
isnt it crazy how for years we were living our owns lives, and now only a wall seperates us?
stop. eating. my. shrooms.
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
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