So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
and after you realized your puke was bright blue, you started crying hysterically and screaming, "I DON'T WANT TO BE A SMURF!" no more uv blue for you.
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
You were dancing with a coffee pot of rum in one hand and a joint in the other. So that should explain everything.
Sweet. Well pat yourself on the back this penis just burst back into the the game and the vaginas of millions
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
Whatever. I just want to indulge in this mcchicken and forget all about his tiny penis.
so much tequila, so little girl.
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
I have nice boobs. Don't wanna deprive anyone of the experience.
You're a saint.
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
Randomize
