best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
I got mine. It's a truly beautiful penis. Plus he pulled his tongue muscle on my vagina.
I just let my hand run under cold water for five minutes. I couldn't stop staring at it and the only things I could think about were how amazing it felt, how cool water was, and what a wonderful world it is that we live in. Reasons why I don't smoke...
You don't put off sexcapades. Life lesson #1.
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
a pizza costume came into my possession last night. needless to say i showed up to his house wearing only the pizza, shouting "delivery" into his window.
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
he was high. i was rolling face. we were both wearing grateful dead t shirts. at that point it's like we had no choice but to fuck
For me the most fucked up part of last night was that I know for a fact that you were sober. But your dancing was a close second.
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
I've never had to say don't judge me for chip clips in the shower before
It should be perfectly legal to tase anyone not wearing a mask.
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