we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
when i got home i made myself toast with butter & put pasta on it. I know this cause it's all over my bed.
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
My puffy vagina and I are on the way to the doctor to see what your mutant penis did to us THANKS A LOT
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
I broke a glass at the bar and ended up with blood on my forehead. I apparently kept screaming BLOOD like the little boy in that YouTube video.
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
My guy issues hinge on tonight's game. Caps win, it's Dustin. Rangers win, Josh. I even flipped a coin to see who got what team
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
Randomize
