I'm at a free clinic. Feel like I should cough or sneeze so it's not blatantly obvious I'm getting checked for STI's.
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
There are 3 pics of me on my camera, naked, wearing only an apron, scooping ice cream.
Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes?
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
please don't go to jail. I'd hate to have to call the montgomery county jail every time I need sex advice
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
The gay viking and his eqyptian 'queen' hooked up on our couches. They pushed them together to make a bed. Innovative, but awkward to come home from work to at 7 am.
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
Like I've never seen her that drunk. She's usually like quiet and doesn't say she'll fuck someone on a futon
It's just great that Easter is on 4/20 this year. Now everyone can enjoy the Easter egg hunts. And being around my whole family.
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
Randomize
