I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
Just made a pepperoni sandwich with cheese, mayo, and pickles. Poverty is like pot, without the happy feeling.
Pregnancy confirmed. Complete emotional instability achieved. I just cried through 95% of Avatar.
Let's get back to talking about you giving me a blow job.
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I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
You don't understand. He was so ginger that he could make red hair a dominant gene. And I refuse to torture my future spawn like that.
The black hole just entered the party man, I can literally see guys starting to move towards her.
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
Its my nipple ring piercing anniversary. We need to celebrate.
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
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