I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?
Does having sex in the men's bathroom on the boardwalk count as having sex on the beach?
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
I figured he was gay when I walked in on him working out to Flirty Girl Fitness.
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
you spent the night getting lap dances from a stripper with a c-section scar then ended up at a one room casino by the airport and you say you're too good to blaze and see pirahna 3d? bullshit
I know I am usually the slut but tonight it's her. She is being a slut, yes slut, T as in Tomorrow, U as in Uterus, L as in Llama and S as in Sangria. That spells slut, but backwards and that's what she is being.
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
The other guys kept waking up so I hid... Like, dick in mouth, hiding in his sleeping bag
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
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