I haven't seen him in over a year. He asked me to his prom over myspace. Is he fucking serious?
i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
I think you're the first person to ever call Louisville, KY a "romantic getaway".
I either just got cockblocked or saved from a lengthy court case so I'm kinda conflicted about how my night went.
Well we didn't hook up. Maybe from his girlfriend's point of view, but not mine.
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
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