Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?
They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
my 12 year old sister just told me how admirable it was that i felt comfortable going out with my friends dressed "like that"
so either half this theatre is as stoned as me, or day daybreakers is hilarious
I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
well, someone with very low standards is getting their dick sucked
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
a pizza costume came into my possession last night. needless to say i showed up to his house wearing only the pizza, shouting "delivery" into his window.
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
Randomize
