just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
I think I actually have rug burn on my eye.
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
It has moved into the cliche "thin line between love and hate" real quick. With her. Not Taco Bell.
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
I woke up and he already had a joint rolled waiting next to the bed. Love.
Randomize
