So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table
whatd she say to you?
no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
It's called 'beer pong' not 'everclear and coke pong' for a reason...
you know it's the perfect hook up when you don't have any friends in common with his girlfriend on facebook.
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
I found her in the trunk, smoking a cigarette, saying every girl should know how to get out of their trunk
its been so long even thinking about having a dick inside me makes me sore
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
all i remember is arguing with the chick that yahoo was better than google
all you were doing was yelling YAHOOOOO in her face
so i won
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
My butthole is tingling. Must be the grapefruit juice
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