i was in the bathroom puking my brains out, a girl walked in and said "i just came to do the same thing" so i told her i would move over and share the toilet. its better than being alone.
And by the way, how is me getting head even remotely comparable to you fucking 3 guys?
we banged on the home plate. i wasnt even aware of the significance of where we were until afterwards hahaha
How is it possible that i have sex with a guy and he makes YOU breakfast
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
She's like my safety school. At the end of the night, if I haven't found anyone better to hook up with, I can always call her if I need a place to drop a load and don't want to rub one out myself. Perfect next door neighbor.
I slept with an Israeli and a Palestinian in the same day. It feels wrong.
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
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