I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
Letd wlk him
Lrtd walek hime
Lets wlk home,,,ther we go
I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
Yeah, I'm just gonna try to repress that and remember him for his big dick and perfect jawline.
The last thing I remember before blacking out was passing that sobriety test.
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
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