I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
I wonder what it would be like to be a slice of cheese.
sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
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Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
Her craziness is the sexiest thing about her.
I can't wait to read your obituary.
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The hotel had a helipad. Of course we had sex on it.
Oh my god. We just got locked out of our cabin and went to the neighbor's to see if they had a key and caught the neighbor jerking it. My night > your night
Wish me luck on my new penis adventure
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
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