3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
It was still light ouot when we were walking up Pier Ave and she kept asking if she could suck my nipples.
It was honestly like finding a clitoris in a haystack.
it's like a walk of shame rule, you always run into someone who saw you wearing that yesterday
You better be watching. There will be a POP quiz. Each correct answer gains you 5 more minutes of the sexual act of your choice
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
He was drinking hot tub water because i refused to get him a glass of water...
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
ATTENTION ALL CONTESTANTS OF SLUTFEST 2012 ; not only will we be judging on how many penis you have sucked but also girth and length will be calculated. If you are found lying you will be disqualified. Remember your fellow participants will be rendering the same services to probably the same people. So choose wisely and let the games begin!
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
I was gonna buy a KIA, but then I remembered how awesome the sex was in the back of a Hyundai so I went with that.
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
VIVE LA RESISTANCE
Oh god, what now?
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
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