turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday
HOW IS IT EARTHLY POSSIBLE TO DO THAT MUCH DAMAGE WITH JUST MY THUMBS?? HOW???
You've fucked so many I should get a word bank when you make me guess these things.
He's thawing a cheesecake on his stomach. We're that high.
He was the highest I've ever seen. Almost had him convinced there are only three colors in the rainbow...
WE HAVE TO LEAVE. I HAVE HAD SEX WITH WAY TOO MANY PEOPLE IN THIS BUS STATION.
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
we promised ourselves we wouldn't get too drunk, and what happens? I wake up the next morning with half a mcdouble in one pocket and some barbie clothes in the other.
Haha word. Sure I can do that. Help me find which bar has my pants and you'll get free tacos all week
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