a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
He is the one I "technically" lost my virginity to.
I feel like you never had a virginity..
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
I have bite marks all over my ass. Is that an acceptable excuse for missing class?
why does drunk me think that doing things like throwing up on my desk and all over my 15 page lab report is okay
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
I've really become a household name at this fraternity. Mother would be so proud.
In Texas. Drank way too much wine. Puked in a gallon zip lock bag. Passed out at 445 with the ENTIRE family here. Got up at 745 in time for dinner. I made you proud!!!
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
Tequila is never to blame. We all make good choices under tequila
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
Hey know anyone who wants 58 lbs of whole frozen chickens for a couple bowls?
Everybody at Lexi's party found out I'm both a screamer and a moaner after he ate me out on the pool table downstairs. Just another sunday night in Alaska
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