I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
He kissed a someone with a penis
Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
just peed in the tub. didnt notice the passed out drunk guys there until a minute in
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He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
I'm just gonna ignore the fact that I have no pants on and find a way home. A good one-nighter never goes back for his pants.
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
I sold him an eighth while trippin balls wearin my girlfriends tutu and tube top. and i was talking about albinos the entire time
well, he defiantly picked the right guy to buy drugs from
He told me his cum shot melted the paint on his bedroom wall and asked if I want to see it
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I vaguely remember seeing that couple making out in front of that store and i yelled "I ALSO LOVE THE ROCKY MOUNTAIN SOAP COMPANY!"
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
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