He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
he literaly had industrial grade plastic underneth his blankets
I just was on a 20min team conference call where I didn't speak, I used a Gus Johnson soundboard online to answer questions asked to me...the highlight of 2010
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
i actually have a tan line from him holding my boob while we were sunbathing
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
I'm using the bullet from my cock ring to massage out my tmj lock jaw from giving too much head.
you showed up at my door at 3am, handed me a bag of cold chicken nuggets and said "lead me to the non-irish Siobhans," do YOU think you were tripping?
I just shotgunned a beer and my lipstic didnt BUDGE. MERICUHH
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
Randomize
