I met the friendliest cop last night
I puked off the balcony.
Not horrible
Into the hottub. There were six people in it. I had eaten all their pizza.
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
The story about him having a girlfriend changed real fast when he found out that I was a gymnast
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
I want "hickeys on my ass" sex
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
I was at a bus stop, eating a load of bread. Fairly sure I'm the poster child for poor students.
Yea I almost drowned giving a BJ in the shower once
I did all i could do but i woke up smelling like cigars and theres salsa all over my face
At least his std test came back clean, gotta look at the positives here
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
Randomize
