You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
Isn't the perk of being in a relationship not having to put in effort for sex?
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
SLUTTIEST. 4TH. EVER.
Just sold this kid "Magic Furry Apples". He is way to high to figure out they are just peaches.
At least he's a nutritious stoner...
Im debating on how to word my craigslist post so i dont get arrested...
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
I was passed out in a dog food bowl tor two hours. Just tapped my dinner beer. I love homecoming.
I feel like someone had their period in my eyes.
I'm sorry I got a little outta control last night.
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
This taco party has no tacos, just a hot asian guy in booty shorts. We were lied to.
So. Do you think marshmallow vodka in hot chocolate while eating a graham cracker would = s'mores?
In some strange universe, yes
Wake up. Pour coffee. Open blinds. Guy is skipping class and jacking off furiously to Asian porn. Close blinds. Finish coffee. So this must be what med school is like.
I would ride that face into the sunset
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
Randomize
