Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
My friends, they love my intelligence
we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
I am not deleting the internet history anymore, now I am going for shock value.
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
I'm having flashbacks from last night. Did I admit to pausing Whitney's funeral because I was watching porn? I believe I did.
ive cried into many a lonely burritos..
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
you can tell a lot about a person by the quality of their porn
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
Randomize
