I just want to hang out with her.
You're a liar. Why do I have to give you reasons you can't have sex with my mom? I hate you.
Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
The bar I'm at just passed out smores to everyone. I don't know what it has to do with cinco de mayo but I'm down.
there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
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Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm hungover laying in my moms bed watching Space Jam.. Adult Life..
Some guy just hit on me and then said, well you look too young to ride the emotional roller coaster and guestured to his dick.
Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
The port-o-potty that I peed in last night didn't actually have a toilet in it. And i never told anyone until this moment.
What am I doing? I'm usually only attracted to horrible people.
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
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