now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
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Only you can can turn Jenga into a drinking and then a sex game.
I know you don't remember, but the teeth marks on my face say it happened.
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
I've liked him since I puked on him on my birthday so I want it to be special.
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No...this little piggys going to the bar
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
She stumbled into class and Google image searched nipple piercings for the entire 75 minutes
Red flag bro. Her only friends are barflys and a teen with a fake ID
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
I'm bathroom at buffalo wild wings
I think incapable of making pants work send help
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