does dane cook know its not 2004 and that hes no longer relevant?
my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
FOR A FUCKING 40?! A FUCKING 40?! YOU GAVE THE CAT AWAY FOR BEER?!
all the sharp corners in my house are covered with litter foam blocks. al set for partying
i bought a pregnancy test with dimes. Is that trashy?
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
He leaned in to kiss me and I dodged him but i fell on the floor. I guess I never got up cuz I woke up on the floor and he was in his bed
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
There are so many things that would come back to haunt me if I ran for President someday.
like that video of you mad stoned vomiting in the bdubs parking lot after going to a pizza buffet screaming how you needed to make room for froyo
Wat
So he's compensating for a really small penis. Either that or he's a drug lord.
Oh, cold wet seat on the 48! Are you piss? Are you the sweaty ass leavings of an obese person? Are you the spilled King Cobra from the night before? I do not know! I dare not smell to find out... Pants ruined...
I woke up saran wrapped to a chair....
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
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