Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"
When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
The uberlube is also flammable
I've seen you dance and let's just say its a good thing you don't have a small dick
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
Talk about having your cake and eating it he has basically demolished the whole fucking bakery
sorry I blacked out our whole relationship
I will be the DD but everyone has to call me Mistress
Looking back, we probably shouldn't have chased alcohol with more alcohol
Dont care about too tired for sex, thank you for leaving your laser pointer. I have now determined both my cats are stupid.
Randomize
