Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
Id like to know where dora the explorers parents are when she goes on all these crazy ass adventures
After he convinced me that my friend had died and come back to life, I decided I was having sex with him that night, and that I should lay off the drugs for a while.
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
My head is just one big fuzz right now.. Its like someone replaced my brain with a teddy bear
YOU CANT FOOL THE TOILET
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
He really is. Owns his own house and has more than one towel!
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
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