Apparently you make a good broom.
my boss just made his own remix to aaron carter's i want candy. i cant decide if its the funniest or most embarrassing thing ive seen
The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
This hotel is not contributing to my sobriety, they have 4 kinds of free wine and beer.
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
ill give you the fast version. Hooked up with 17 year old coworker while housestting for my boss
Apparently I yelled "no stop it" in my sleep last night when he tried to cuddle with me.
Oops, guess its official. I just use him for sex.
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
hypothetically, what's the best method to remove an stray semen gob from a roommate's important school document?
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
Randomize
