I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
I just threw up, I'm either bulemic or pregnant, and I'm now accepting bets on which it is
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He literally is quoting that 21 questions song, the 50 cent one. oh my god.
We have zombies coming, and all you can think about is cock.
If people don't want my drunken phone call then TAKE YOUR FUCKING NUMER OFF OF FACEBOOK, like it's just that easy...
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She had an asthma attack and had to stop but insisted on getting me off. It's official she's the one
It was a tough decision either lay in bed or go to work and lay in the stockroom
He spent three years trying to get a chance with me and finally broke me down. then he came in two minutes and was so upset he locked himself in the bathroom so I helped myself to his weed and left. Wanna get stoned?
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
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