If only Ben were 51% gay instead of 49%
The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.
Apparently he ran around last night saying he was 'the hulk hogan of muff diving'
You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
I threw up in a Buffalo Wild Wings and then got a high-five. I really don't understand America
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
It's rum buckets o'clock
Easy. Go to walmart, buy a bag of charcoal. everyone gets a present and it's cheap.
who knew magic tricks and sex would actually go together?
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
Randomize
