Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
Went to the career fair today..I handed out many resumes to find out later that they say I have a bachelor o farts degree...Top that.
They just yellow carded someone for spilling a drink because it was a party foul. Love germans.
now were playing what girl doesnt belong in the picture of girls in bikinis.
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
He has blue eyes of sex and i am powerless against them
Doesn't tell me where my computer chair went but good to know
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
I need to stop challenging people to taking off clothes. I win too often
Randomize
