Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
Her brother was practicing the clarinet....it was like having sex in a starbucks
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
Let's get one thing straight; we aren't in a relationship. We fuck and occasionally go to subway.
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
I got into a fight with the dude who fell asleep on my couch bc he wouldn't wake up but managed to get a lunch date set for thurs with another guy by the time he finally left. So how's your day so far?
Drinking hard cider in a room full of freshman girls. Never felt so secure of my manhood
I probably wouldn't
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
Was I trying to make a threesome happen again?!
Yep
I need to stop doing that, Im gonna get punched in the face
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
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