My liver just broke up with me...
I'm taking her home. She just told a 90 yo woman in a packers hat to "suck her cock".
You Were screaming "Im trying to get it in" and "stop cock blocking" while i threw you in the car
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
we went 3 years between hookups and she got a lot better. Amanda's moving way up the booty call pecking order.
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
shit... I double booked my fuck buddies
i feel like i got punched in the face....
you did....
How drunk were you? in an effort to seduce him, you demonstrated your lap dance skillz on his dog.
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