I bet he comes in French.
if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
legit been throwing up since 7am. told my parents the two bowls of puke in my dorm were soup
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
i know you're at the dentist, but this dick pic was too phenominal to wait and i deserve immediate tit compensation
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
Somehow my drug dealer is stuck in my air-vent and now everything smells like patchouli, weed, deoderant and sweat.
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
Randomize
