I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
That should be a holiday. like easter. but bulges instead of baskets
I'm so hungover I took Dramamine to help prevent the motion sickness of walking.
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
His dad asked what he was doing so he texted his FATHER a picture of me wearing his shirt in his bed.
Me. blonde. Sex. Dance floor.
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
sexting while watching Peter Pan the Musical! something just doesn't seem right here
This wouldn't be the first time my boss has seen me topless
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
Randomize
