I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
she peed on how many people?
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
I think i can make this amish girl legitimately hot.
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
do you think our homemade porn will pass for my cinematography final?
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
No no. Thank you. Killed multiple birds with one penis.
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
Randomize
