Did he leave or is he still there?
He left right away, I might have passed out. I saw your text and was like who left where? Then the oh shit feeling sunk in, hangover starting now.
Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
I am at the gas station and there is a whole amish family here I'm not sure why the amish need gas but I think its worth investigating
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
it's like a replay of two fridays ago...except not in a motel and i'm not having sex in the shower.
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
I don't think it counts as a walk of shame when it's someone you've wanted for 4 years. That's mission accomplished.
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
I have a black eye again and dont know why again
Randomize
