yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
Walking by Farrand Field is better than a porno right now.
Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
I look like a poor person in the cast of Gay Oliver.
I think a girl in front of me glued an ugg tag to a weird pair of boots.
tonight's goal was "most regrettable decision" and you bring wine coolers?
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
I don't think I even want to know why you are sending my husband pictures of your nutsack.
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
Some dude peed on tonys floor because drunkness
They offered him a bucket as he was peeing and he was like "Nah, I'm good"
Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?
Ate a slug for 39 dollars
I wouldn't expect anything less from a PhD student
Verdict: uncircumcised.
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
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