he said i was weird because i want to have sex in public places.
i dont think thats weird i think thats fun
i forgot to tell you, he fell asleep outside my house again last night, but im weird
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
It reminded me of the time my mother gave my Bailey's in my stocking when I was 14.
Why do i even want him? It's like his dick is a trophy and I need to put it on my wall of shame.
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do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
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I woke up in a toga after going to a Hawaiian party. I don't even know.
I GOT THE PAPER IN AT 11:58
EAT MY ENTIRE ASS COM 101
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
You shouted "my financial aid just came in, who wants a shot?!" Half the bar followed
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
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