At a place where you lie naked on a big pile of pillows and they feed you lobster. You eat it with your bare hands.
This girl added me on fb and has all these pics of her kissing her little brother saying i will love you forever. I'm creeped out.
maybe it's her son
thats not any better.
my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
I don't understand how people can have that much vomit in them
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
oh, it's pms. I almost cried yesterday bc my roommates didn't seem perky enough when I got home.
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
There's two big trays of water in our freezer. I just hope they freeze by Saturday. for the ice luge.
its Wednesday...
they're reeeeeally big trays
The bartender just hugged us goodnight. I think we go there too often.
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
I shaved last nite, you should see my cock it looks like a beautiful skyscraper
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
Are you going to eat tacos off the floor again?
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
Randomize
