I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
he left his wallet here so lets treat ourselves to a lunch for the lack of penis we both had deal with
Its official. Girls from Indiana do not give rim jobs.
She introduced me as that girl Nathan was fingering
We are such grown women, dealing with life's problems one shower beer and reckless makeout session at a time.
BABE I MISS YOU SO MUCH LIKE THE SADNESS OVERWHELMS BONER ABILITY
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
what the fuck happened to the tacos
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
We still on for Manwhore Monday?
Randomize
