WE WERE REALLY IN A PORNO LAST NIGHT
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
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How do i tell my boyfriend " I'm taking the two weeks im in Europe to fuck my way across 9 countries" in a way where we will still be together?
For the record, chili cheese fritos are not a chaser.
Yes, I am about to pass out on my beanbag with a mason jar of wine. Welcome to the south freshmen.
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
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Right now he's sitting in the chair pointing to me to go away. He's trying to have quiet time with his penis.
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
Is it just me, or do you see your penis in that hand?
I can't believe I watched you put a tampon in in the parking garage
Thanks to you I just drunkenly spot washed a Star Wars hoodie, at midnight on a Friday. If there is a greater level of nerdiness I do not know of its existence
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
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