please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
I use him for alcohol and he uses me for sex. This is the closest thing to love i could imagine
As long as there aren't any pictures of me humping the penguin, we are good,
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
I just sold some kid a bong I made out of a vuvuzela for $50. I think I found my career path.
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
We're fucking and Lee Greenwood God Bless the USA comes on and he came. It was the most Roll Tide America moment of my life.
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
Just fucked my ex's brother. It is clear I dated the wrong one. Is it wrong for me to continue to fuck this one?
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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