She told you broke her computer after the little square in tetris wouldn't rotate for you...
He thinks that since we have been dating six months, that he can do the helicopter with his penis. Not okay.
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
It was awful. Mid hookup he started reading the titles of the books over my bed, which were about Russian imperial history. He then started asking me questions about the class I was reading the books for. I was like "WE HAVE TIME FOR THAT LATER, PLEASE CONTINUE."
Want to get drunk and look at an xray of my dick?
We were debating whether you had hooked up with him. I was right for the record.
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
Is there a particular reason why everyone is now calling you Butt Doctor?
So how did it go?
I'm not sure if it was all the eggnog or all the alcohol, but hosting an eggnog pong tournament was a mistake.
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
I'm not the type to go to a guys house...in your case his boat...and sleep with them..I mean I have in the past but I'm trying to be more serious and grown up
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
I HAVE A TEST I'M SORRY YOUR UN SUCKED DICK ISN'T MY FIRST CONCERN
It was hands down the most magical fuck I've ever had
It was the only fuck you've ever had..
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
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