I think i sorta joined a cult last night
The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
she works at a police station now. i think thats the definition of keeping your enemies closer.
I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
If Dave says he's going to have sex with her, he's going to fuck her retarded and turn her crazy. So run.
tanning, a slurpee, and a cigarette. spa day college edition
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
Not sure, she said after cussing out the dentist they called security. Make that the first person I know 86'ed by a dentist.
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
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