White coat. Heels.
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
I know i should have focused more on what you were saying in the text rather than the fact you spelt "suicidal" wrong
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
If i evwr doyble fist jack daniels and smirnoff again, i hereby give you permission to take them both away grom me and give me and give me a glass of wat
you were sitting on your bed looking out the window, rocking back and forth naked, saying how peaceful it looked outside
votre penis est TRES GRAND. i used vous because your penis is SO big
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
You strapped the bucket of KFC into the carseat and refused to let me drive over 20 miles per hour the whole ride home. That high.
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
Randomize
