Coffee is gods way of saying go ahead, get absolutly trashed on weeknights, I got your back
She passed out on top of the bar. Still did body shots off her.
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
I woke up locked in the bar...this has redefined partying.
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
Tonights dinner consisted of washing down my plan b pill with a bottle of wine and toast. College is turning my life around
The venue for the new years party is close to the hospital for obvious reasons.
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
YOUR BALLS CAME OUT. DONT CALL ME A SHITSHOW.
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
There are so many things that would come back to haunt me if I ran for President someday.
like that video of you mad stoned vomiting in the bdubs parking lot after going to a pizza buffet screaming how you needed to make room for froyo
Wat
I like using largw condoms because they are more comfortable but also I feel bad because it's like false advertisement
Is it weird that I noticed my lower half feels strange and then further realized it's bc I'm wearing underwear to bed for the first time in weeks..maybe months?
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
Randomize
