I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
Watching water boil has never been so amazing. I love wake-and-bakes.
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
Seriously, I am going to crawl in a hole, sew my vagina shut, and spit acid on any man that comes near me.
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
How do we have all these hot friends who we never do body shots off of
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
THAT HOSPITAL MADE ME REALIZE THAT I'M BISEXUAL
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
Dude it's unhealthy how much I love vagina in my face
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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