while cleaning my room, i've found many wonderful things. one of these is the card you gave me for my eighteenth birthday. it's a christmas card that says "i want to stick it in your sponger"
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
I don't know. I was also picked up by the doormen and held over the bar so I could do an upside down shot out of a bartenders tits.
You just kept walking around saying "my brain is soup" then sat on the kitchen counter washing your feet. You bit the guy that tried to help you down
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
I'm convinced he's the patron saint of oral sex
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
I'm not saying I love you. I never said I love you. I said that if earth blew up like Krypton you'd be the only person I would like to have inside me when our bodies burn up in a fiery inferno
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
I have a mild substance abuse problem, but I'm still a functioning member of society. America.
Randomize
