i an so hammered right now. I'm about to pass out but i just found the lion king dvd and i'm so happy words don't even describe.
I'm gonna name my first kid mufasa regardless if It's a boy or girl
Some girl just asked us for directions back to campus. we told her to take the first four lefts. We live on a block. she believed us
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
Just stop talking to douche bags. How do you manage to attract every asshole within a 100 mile radius?
If i could answer that i wouldn't be so afraid to move to a more populated area
Hey.. Here's a thought for the evening. There's only two more sleeps until I fuck you so hard my back teeth will convulse.. Here's too Tuesday! Woohooooo
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
We are gonna have a bake sale and the preceded will go towards the abortion
I've had more orgasms than showers this week.
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
Three cans of beer can fit in the shower catty... multi tasking
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